


His Name

by zeraporter



Series: Maybe Next Time [3]
Category: Naruto
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Drunkenness, Fluff, Love Confessions, M/M, Miscommunication, Pining, Smut, naruto is sorry, once lovers, part of a series, sasuke doesn't understand
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-06
Updated: 2021-03-02
Packaged: 2021-03-17 21:13:57
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 17,351
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29232105
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/zeraporter/pseuds/zeraporter
Summary: Sasuke finds out that Naruto is back in town for a bit.
Relationships: Deidara/Uchiha Sasuke, Uchiha Sasuke/Uzumaki Naruto
Series: Maybe Next Time [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2093892
Comments: 13
Kudos: 63





	1. His Name: Part One

**Author's Note:**

> Hey guys! Here's the third part of the Maybe Next Time series! This is an angsty chapter. Sasuke is an asshole. Naruto might still be an asshole, but is trying to redeem himself a bit. Its just a bunch of emotions and it sucks, but it's also nice. Sometimes these two just need to talk it out, but even then it is painful.
> 
> There is some smut in this chapter. And it's not with the SasuNaru ship. So, be warned. If you don't like reading about Sasuke getting it on with another person, it might be hard to read. 
> 
> Other than that, enjoy! Let me know if you want a part two to this part of the story and what you'd be looking for. I'd love to bring Naruto and Sasuke together a bit, but it has to be organic! Let me know in the comments! I love your opinions!

Sasuke walked down the street of his hometown, a bag of take out from the local deli shop in his hand. It was a sunny day, but there was still a chill in the air, as it was gearing up to be the beginning of winter. So, he’d wore his navy blue coat, matching slacks, and a white button up shirt underneath to fit the cool weather. He didn’t consider himself overly fashionable, but he definitely took care of his image. He was sure to never let his appearance falter, no matter the occasion. And while dressing nicely seemed almost habitual to him, he always tended to notice it more as he walked down the street, seeing people’s eyes glance towards him. He knew he wasn’t the most unattractive person, naturally speaking, but the fashion sense was the cherry on top.

His family’s office was located in the middle of the downtown square—surrounded by shops, restaurants, bars, and a large park. He passed by groups of people constantly. Since the town had a lot of older folk, and people who came to vacation or retire, hip and fashionable young men and woman were far and few between—making him the hot topic on most days.

After graduating from college and successfully completing the BAR exam, he’d moved back to his hometown to join his father and brother at their already successful law office: Uchiha Law Group. Sasuke had just started only a few months ago. But since he had worked over the summers at the law office for years now, it didn’t feel like he’d just started. In fact, he felt like a veteran in the business. He was young—only 26—which was surprising, because most practicing lawyers tended to start in their mid-30’s. Sasuke happened to be born lucky though. He was destined for this job since the moment he’d chosen to follow in his father and brother’s footsteps. 

Sasuke turned the corner, seeing the park in the distance, filled with families and couples having picnics, or walking their dogs, there were even some children playing tag or hide-and-seek. It was nice to see those people happy and living their lives. Sasuke had always loved his hometown and the feeling it brought. People would work all their lives just so they could enjoy it at the end. He wanted to do both at the same time though—work and live. So, he was more than ready to build a life there. However, he wasn’t sure how he was supposed to manage that when there weren’t many people to choose from so that he could start _said life_. He had a great job, he was guaranteed success with it… He had no worries at all for his career. He did, though, feel like finding any sort of love interest might be—

“Maybe you should watch where you’re going, Uchiha.” A rough voice, mumbled, a little too close for comfort. 

Sasuke didn’t realize his eye’s had wandered to watch his feet as they tread down the sidewalk. He wasn’t looking where he was going, hence why he almost ran into—

“Deidara.” Sasuke responded. The long-haired blonde had a smirk on his face as he blocked Sasuke from stepping around him. His arm was casually leaning on the brick wall beside them. He definitely knew how grab attention—and corner his prey.

Deidara was a prosecutor for the city. To Sasuke he was… _insufferable._ However, Sasuke couldn’t deny that he knew what he was doing in the court room and had a swagger about him, making it hard to look away. Sasuke had once watched him as he convinced a jury of the defendant’s guilt with all circumstantial evidence. And Deidara had once watched Sasuke break down the prosecution’s witness so much so, that the witness weeped and confessed to lying under oath. There was a level of mutual respect between them. Sasuke was intelligent, but Diedara was book smart, street smart and, most of all, charismatic. Deidara was an ideal bachelor. So, while the pickings were slim in Sasuke’s hometown, Diedara just happened to match Sasuke in lifestyle, passion, and looks. Sasuke couldn’t deny it.

“How’s your day going?” Deidara asked.

“As good as any other day.” Sasuke responded. Sasuke had to respond to him with a clever smirk, just to mess with his head. The Uchiha couldn’t decide whether or not he was fond of Deidara. Sure, he respected him and couldn’t deny his presence, but there was something about him that made Sasuke uneasy.

“Do you need something?” Sasuke asked, wondering why he was being stalled during his lunch break by a blonde.

“Not really. I just saw you walking and wanted to say hello.” Deidara gestured to a restaurant on the other side of the street. Had the man left his lunch in a booth to chase after Sasuke? How odd.

“Well, hello then. You’re wasting my lunch break.” Sasuke said, again trying to scoot around, unsuccessfully. This little dance between the two of them was becoming increasingly annoying.

“It’s also my lunch break, but give me a minute or two, will you?” Deidara asked, pushing his hair out of his face. 

Sasuke watched as his blonde hair, which fell down to his mid-back area, flowed in small gusts of wind. It was bright—like the sun. It reminded Sasuke of another person he’d known once in his life. A person he had decided to never think about again. Perhaps the uneasy feeling that Deidara gave him had to do with that forgotten individual.

Sasuke felt himself grow heavy at the mere thought of that person. He looked at Deidara, analyzing the blonde hair. It was different. Deidaras looked softer, more feminine. His eye’s weren’t as powerful either. There was a dullness behind them. Yet the two were similar in personality, _sometimes._ They both had charisma… As the wind blew Deidara’s hair once again, Sasuke felt his heart skip a beat. Not because of Deidara, but because the loud color of hair so close to his face made him feel as if he was catching a glimpse of… 

Sasuke groaned, audibly.

“What do you want then?” Sasuke asked, giving up on avoiding the conversation, while also distracting his mind from whomever it was trying to think about.

Deidara sighed and then stood up straighter. He looked confident. “I wanna take you out tonight.”

Sasuke’s head jutted out in surprise, as his eyes widened. “Huh?”

“You heard me.”

“Take me out? What for?”

“Why not? Who else would I ask out?”

Deidara was close in proximity to Sasuke, but still giving the man enough space so that he didn’t feel crowded. Sasuke was, to be honest, quite shocked. He knew Deidara was a flirt and a rather obnoxious one at that, but did he think the man had feelings for him? No. Since when? And… _why?_

Sasuke didn’t know what to say. For the first time in years, he felt speechless. Part of him wanted to laugh it off as a joke. He hadn’t been on a date with someone in… _years._ Sure, Deidara was definitely a looker in a lot of ways, but Sasuke had never thought about him romantically. Then again, Sasuke hadn’t really thought about anyone in that way. He had completely shut himself off to anything and anyone, focusing solely on his career. He wasn’t trying to be let down again. Love seemed to do that.

Deidara was out there. He often made bold choices, and this seemed to be one of them. He didn’t look like he was joking either. But Sasuke couldn’t help but wonder why the man was going after him, of all people. And now?

Slim pickings? Probably.

“Since when did you have a thing for me?” Sasuke asked, still shocked.

Deidara shrugged. “Come on, have you ever seen yourself in the mirror?”

_Interesting_. So, to Deidara… This was physical. Sasuke could feel his shoulders loosen up.

“So, you just think I’m attractive?”

“Well—yes—but—“

“I’ll go, then.” Sasuke confirmed, not even letting Deidara continue on. “How about that bar a few blocks over… The Stamp.”

Deidara nodded, a little taken aback by Sasuke’s quick acceptance. “How does 9 sound?”

“See you at 9.” Sasuke smiled.

Deidara whipped around, after shooting Sasuke a smirk in return, and headed back to the restaurant he came from. So, Sasuke started making his way back to the law office.

As he stepped in and sat down at his desk, pulling his Italian sub and San Pelligrino from his bag, he couldn’t help but chuckle to himself. 

If Deidara was just fond of Sasuke’s appearance, then there was no harm. Deidara didn’t want Sasuke to open up, fall in love, and marry him. There was not a chance in hell. The blonde idiot was looking to go out and then get laid. That was something Sasuke could provide.

No strings attached was more along Sasuke’s style anyway. 

Sasuke browsed the internet as he ate lunch, when he heard a few raps on the door.

Itachi let himself in.

Sasuke put down his sub and looked up towards Itachi, as he wiped his mouth with his napkin.

“Something wrong?” Sasuke asked, swallowing his food.

Itachi shook his head, loosening his tie a bit. “Nah, just letting you know that father and I are heading out early today.”

Sasuke coughed a bit. “Don’t you have a big case coming up next Monday?”

Itachi nodded. “Yeah, but I can work on my talks and questions at home.”

“What about father, though?”

“It’s him and mom’s anniversary. Did you forget?”

Sasuke closed his eyes in frustration, lowering his head. “Maybe.” 

He was not a forgetful person. Normally, for his parents’ anniversary he bought them each a small gift or card. He must’ve gotten a bit strung out during the move back to his hometown and then starting up work, being handed hefty casework right off the bat.

Itachi could tell that Sasuke was internally beating himself up. “Sasuke. Don’t worry about it.”

Sasuke looked up at him.

“Neither of us will be in tomorrow, so you don’t have to come in either. We gave the rest of the staff a long weekend too.”

“All right.”

“How much longer will you be staying?” Itachi asked, probably half hoping Sasuke and him would leave together and just catch up as brothers. Sasuke and his older brothers’ relationship used to be stronger, but as Sasuke grew older, he started to shut himself off to close relationships, even with his own family. He was sure Itachi noticed the shift. 

Sasuke was going out later in the evening though, which he’d rather not have to explain it to his brother, and so—

“I have to submit this paperwork by the weekend and I work better in the office, so… I’ll be here for the next few hours.” Sasuke took another bite of his sub and watched as his brother nodded, solemnly. 

“Maybe we can have dinner at your place tomorrow? Now that you’re all moved in and such. I’d like to see what you’ve done to make it your own.”

Sasuke wanted to groan, but held it in. He had nothing against the suggestion, but he wasn’t much of a host. He barely cooked and, while his house was clean, there were a few unpacked items he’d been unsure where to place. He wasn’t really in the mood to entertain. Even if it was just his brother—

Suddenly, Fugaku Uchiha, Sasuke and Itachi’s father, popped his head in over Itachi’s shoulder. He was holding his briefcase and blazer in hand. He also looked excited, as if he’d been waiting all day just to leave the office. Which, was hilarious, since Fugaku was one of the biggest workaholic’s Sasuke knew. He was sure he took after him in that sense. It was nice seeing how his entire being changed when he was thinking about his mother, Mikoto, though. He could feel their love.

“I’m heading out, boys.” Fugaku slapped his hand on Itachi’s shoulder. “If you need your mom or I, you can call, but we’d prefer you not.”

Sasuke scowled. “Please, don’t make jokes that even insinuate what you’re trying to insinuate.”

Itachi smiled.

“I’m just teasing, obviously.” Fugaku snorted, leaning back a bit. “Itachi—you coming?”

Just as Itachi nodded and was about to turn around, Fugaku leaned back into the office, looking at Sasuke. 

“Sasuke, my god. I forgot to tell you. Guess who your mother ran into yesterday? That one kid’s mother—Naruto, was it? Kushina!”

Sasuke felt his stomach fall out of him, and he froze.

“Oh, yes. I remember Naruto. He was funny.” Itachi said, plainly. Neither him nor Fugaku noticing the absolute torture they’d put on Sasuke’s ears at just the mention of the blonde’s name. 

“Supposedly, he’s been in London for the past few years!”

“Really?” Itachi said. “I think I’m his friend on Facebook. He might’ve posted something about it years ago… What’s he doing over there? Sasuke did you know?”

Sasuke felt his hands start to tremble as Itachi looked over at him, slightly noticing his timid, yet restless appearance.

“Mikoto said that Kushina told her that he worked in non-profits. But, anyway, Sasuke—he’s back in town for the next few months.” Fugaku now looked to Sasuke, whose head was lowered, staring at his white-knuckled fists in his lap. He sighed at the sight of a seemingly shy Sasuke.

“I know you don’t have many of your older, past friends who still live in the area, so this is great news.” Fugaku slapped Itachi’s shoulder again. “Maybe reach out to him, if you’re feeling up for it. I’m sure he’d love to hear from you.” 

Sasuke barely moved his head to show his response. 

“Anyway, I’ll see you boys Sunday.” And with that, he left.

While Fugaku happened to be oblivious to Sasuke’s clear discomfort, Itachi bore his eyes into the younger Uchiha, studying his body language. Sasuke couldn’t hide his disdain for the blonde from his brother. At least, not after that total ambush and utter realization that Naruto would, now, be within miles of him. While he tended to lack emotions, the truth was, he had so many buried deep within him… If something triggered it, he could erupt, without any warning. It didn’t help him make strong choices in emotional situations.

“Sasuke?” Itachi said, walking on eggshells. 

Sasuke took a deep breath and tried to calm himself down. He didn’t want to have any sort of conversation about _Naruto_ with anyone. Not now, not ever. Even thinking his name made his stomach turn. And so, after an extended moment, he looked back up at Itachi, grabbing onto the sub to hide his trembling hands.

“Yes?”

Itachi was just staring at him. Sasuke felt a wave of uneasiness float in the air the longer the stare continued. Itachi had a problem with poking his nose into Sasuke’s business. He could feel that coming on… And with Sasuke’s emotions on the brink of boiling over, just one, singular provocation and—

“Good news about Naruto, right? Should we invite him to your—“

Sasuke slammed his hand into his barely eaten sub. If his punch was any stronger, he could’ve broken the wooden desk beneath his fist. He didn’t want to hear it anymore. He couldn’t.

“I thought you were leaving, Itachi.” Sasuke huffed out, anger flowing from him in heaps and waves. He could swear he’d broken his fingers, but as he lifted his hand, he could still move them. His sub, however, was a goner.

Sasuke fell back into his desk chair, leaning his head back against the cushion. _Goddamnit._ He shouldn’t give a shit about Naruto. He shouldn’t care about whether or not the man would be in the same radius as him. He shouldn’t give a fuck at all. 

But Sasuke sighed, closing his eyes. Why did he then? Naruto had crushed his spirit… Naruto had given him everything, only to take it away without his permission. Naruto had a hold over Sasuke’s heart, but then didn’t care enough to give his own away. There was no way in hell he was going to give Naruto any time in his day. In fact—

Sasuke leaned forward and started packing up his things into his briefcase.

“Are you heading out now, then?” Itachi asked, watching his quick movements.

“I’m going out tonight.” Sasuke responded.

“Ah, with—“

“It doesn’t matter, Itachi.” Once Sasuke had packed up his things he tossed his sub in the trash and made his way to exit, pushing past Itachi, who didn’t let him get off so easily.

“Care to explain?”

“Does it look like I do?”

Itachi had grabbed on to his arm, squeezing tightly. Sasuke glanced down at it before meeting his brothers eyes again. He didn’t care to have this conversation about Naruto. He wasn’t even supposed to care about the man himself. The fact that he still got so worked up about the blonde even after all these years and him shoving those feelings so deep down, so he was sure they’d never resurface… He was more upset at himself than anything. He hated to admit it, but it was the truth.

Right now though… He needed a drink; not an interrogation by Itachi.

“Let me go, will you?” Sasuke yanked his arm away.

They held eye contact for a moment and when Itachi didn’t say anything, Sasuke took it as his cue to walk away. Thankfully, he was able to exit the building without another bothersome question by his brother.

* * *

Sasuke sat at the table, his head dropping lower and lower as the moments went on. Across from him was Deidara, who had been casually drinking him under the table for the last two hours. Sasuke had made an open jest that they get so black out that they forget the entire night in general. It was an extreme act that Sasuke hoped would help him forget about Naruto all together. It was far-fetched, but it was his only option… At least, at the moment. Deidara didn’t shy away from a challenge though and Sasuke should’ve known this would be how they ended up. 

“You good, pretty boy?” Deidara teased, finishing off the last swig of his… tenth gin and tonic? 

Sasuke just groaned. Slurring his words—“I think you fucking beat me.”

“The night’s barely started, and you’re already on the down and out?” Deidara chuckled, reaching his hand to lift Sasuke’s chin. That act of touching wouldn’t have been something Sasuke’d wanted, but he was too out of it to fight back. As he looked at Deidara, he couldn’t deny that the man was attractive and charismatic. He had some type of way about him that made others fawn over him. Sasuke could tell by how people looked at them when they both walked in the bar earlier that evening. Deidara was bright, so people were drawn to him, while Sasuke emitted a much darker and mysterious look. Together, they looked flawless. Sasuke hated it, but also slightly welcomed it. If only Deidara didn’t happen to remind him of someone else…

Sasuke mumbled something in his upset, and slightly jerked his chin away from Deidara, but it didn’t make much of a difference.

“The reason why you’re feeling like this is because you’re drinking on an empty stomach.” Diedara remarked.

“How do you know what’s in my stomach?” Sasuke retorted, only to see Deidara laugh to himself. Maybe Deidara wasn’t a bad option for Sasuke. It had been years… Maybe it was time to actually try and connect with someone. Even if he was plastered right now…

“Why don’t we go grab something to eat instead of—“ Nope. Sasuke didn’t want to eat. He didn’t want to connect. All he could see was the blonde hair taunting him.

“Hey!” Sasuke barked.

Deidara dropped his hand.

“Let’s go fuck in the bathroom.”

Deidara’s face dropped a bit. “Here?”

“What, you don’t want to?” Sasuke leaned forward, placing his chin on his hands and looking up at Deidara. He was giving him, what he assumed, looked like puppy dog eyes.

“You’re a bit too drunk, Sasuke. But maybe next time.”

Sasuke rolled his eyes, pushing himself up from the table, practically knocking over his stool. Deidara watched him as he made his way around the edge of the table, then leaning into Deidara. Sasuke wrapped some of his fingers around the man’s blonde hair.

“I can stand, can’t I?” He mumbled. “Which also means I can fuck your brains out.” 

Sasuke glanced at his fingers getting mixed up in Deidara’s blonde hair and he caught a flash of Naruto. He grimaced slightly, shaking his head to get the image out of it. He slowly jerked his hand away from Deidara’s hair and moved it, slyly, down the man’s chest instead. Deidara was _fit._ He didn’t look built, probably because Sasuke had never seen him in anything other than a suit, but he definitely was. Sasuke couldn’t help but feel a heat rise inside of him.

Suddenly, Sasuke’s hands gripped tightly around the shirt Deidara was wearing, pulling him out of his seat, so they stood face to face. Deidara was around Sasuke’s height, which made for easy access in Sasuke’s mind.

“I thought you liked me?” Sasuke teased, pressing himself further into Deidara, who was starting to get a little jumpy.

“Yeah—“

“Then let’s go.” Sasuke stepped away, pulling Deidara towards the bathroom in the back of the bar. Thankfully, it was a single stall bathroom, so there was no fear of them being interrupted. And due to how packed the bar was becoming, he was sure no one was noticing both of them step inside together. 

Right when Sasuke slammed the door shut, locking it, he pushed Deidara against the wall and smashed their mouth’s together. As Sasuke shut his eyes, he could feel the world spinning around them. He felt Deidara moan into his mouth as the two met their tongues together. Sasuke’s heat was going to his head, and he felt almost impatient for some sort of release. The day had been a roller coast of emotions he didn’t even want to deal with. 

Sasuke pulled away from their kiss to take a breath. He opened his eyes and his blurry vision was only seeing the blonde hair. Immediately, he spun Deidara around, pressing his chest against the man’s back. He didn’t want to see his face right now. He just wanted to get off. Quickly, he rubbed his clothed erection between the slit in Deidara’s ass. Sure, they were both still wearing their pants, but Sasuke felt the friction enough to moan into it. He leaned forward, resting his chin on Deidara’s shoulder as he continually dry humped his back side. 

“I’m gonna fuck you so hard.” Sasuke slurred, pressing harder into the blonde. 

He heard Deidara gulp. Seeing the man so submissive under Sasuke was the biggest turn on. For someone who prided themselves on being loud, in control, charismatic, and a flirt… He was being walked all over by the Uchiha. It was a thrill that Sasuke didn’t want to die down.

“Fuck—“ Deidara mumbled, as Sasuke’s hands started to reach around his waist and undo his pants.

“We can’t take our time, unfortunately…” Sasuke mumbled, under his breath, reaching his hand firmly around the base of Deidara’s cock. “Good thing you’re already hard as hell.”

With Sasuke’s other hand, he pulled down Deidara’s pants, dropping them to the floor. He didn’t even give the blonde time to think before he coated two of his fingers in saliva and forcibly pressed them inside of him.

Deidara almost wilted, his legs shaking. “Shit—Sasuke…” Deidara’s head fell back, resting on Sasuke’s shoulder. Sasuke turned his head, so they were facing each other and planted a sloppy kiss on the man’s lips. He was desperate to feel something, anything, with Deidara. Of course, his arousal was very obvious, but his heart wasn’t skipping beats or fluttering. He just wanted to fuck something, senselessly. 

Sasuke rubbed his thumb of the slit in Deidara’s cock, rubbing the precum that had beaded at the tip all over his shaft. He began pumping it in rhythm with his fingers’ thrusts. He could feel Deidara’s mind go blank at the ferocity of Sasuke’s movements. The man came across very experienced, and, he was. After… _Naruto…_ Sasuke had slept with many, many men. It was all an effort to get something back that he felt was stolen from him. Nothing worked, but he’d gotten enough knowledge to be able to turn another person into jelly if he needed to.

Deidara moaned into their wild kiss again and Sasuke could tell his tension was swelling up. He continued to pump his cock faster as he slid a third finger inside of the man. Deidara broke the kiss, pressing his hands against the door in front of him, in an effort to stay standing.

“This isn’t even the good part and you’re already—“

Deidara cut him off. “Fucking put it in already.” 

Sasuke smirked, removing his hand from the blonde’s cock and sliding those three fingers from inside of him. He quickly fumbled with his pants, pushing them to the floor with ease. He then spit in his hand and rubbed his erection thoroughly.

As he pressed his tip against Deidara’s entrance, he saw the man arch his back, holding his breath. Sasuke smirked to himself, teasing the hole a bit and just rubbing along the outside.

“I thought you said we can’t take our time.” Deidara complained, trying to press himself into Sasuke. However, Sasuke wanted to take a moment to prepare himself. Up until that point, he’d felt nothing towards Deidara. He wanted to fuck the man, but that was it. Sasuke jerked Deidara’s shoulder, flipping his around to now press his back against the door. Sasuke looked him in the eyes, seeing the desperation littered there.

Sasuke slowly started to jerk himself off as he stared at Deidara. He wanted to challenge himself to feel something stronger towards the man. It was a test. While he hadn’t cared about feeling any sort of way towards Deidara earlier on… After hearing that Naruto was in town, Sasuke just wanted to prove to himself that he could feel more than just the shallow emotions towards another person. He wanted to feel _something._ Sasuke pumped himself more, analyzing Deidara’s eyes, which were darker, glazed over. His blonde hair was wildly shaping his face, reflecting off of the dim lighting in the bathroom. His body was smaller, while he was fit, he was still lean. He talked the talk, but when he was dominated, he became a beggar. Sasuke felt Deidara’s eye’s watching him full of lust and want. It was all so typical. All Sasuke could think about was getting himself off. He didn’t even care if ever saw Deidara again after they did the deed. It was so fucking frustrating.

Sasuke staggered a bit, as the alcohol reminded him of its existence in his blood stream. 

“Turn around.” Sasuke mumbled, looking away from Deidara. The man did just as he was told, presenting his back side as ready to be taken.

Sasuke took a step towards him, and spread his cheeks with his thumbs, almost bruising them. And then, without warning, he snapped his hips forward, sliding his full length into Deidara. Sasuke covered the blonde’s mouth as he released a moan of pain and pleasure. Sasuke felt the rush of adrenaline wash over him and he didn’t take his time. He started pounding into Deidara with ferocity. He slid in and out, faster and faster, causing Deidara to almost pass out from the aggression. 

“Fuck—you—“ Sasuke mumbled to himself as he thrust harder and deeper, hitting that perfect, sweet spot in Deidara that made his eyes roll back.

“Hell—Sasuke—there… there…” Deidara mumbled, his fingers scraping along the wooden door.

Sasuke kept his angle within the man strong as he fucked the living daylights out of him. He could feel himself ready to go overboard, and he didn’t care if he came first. The truth of the matter was… This was just a fuck. He was taking everything out, emotionally, on Deidara. After this, Sasuke was sure he’d never find someone who’d be like Naruto… He’d given Deidara a chance to tickle his fancy, but it ended up with him getting plastered and dominating the man’s asshole in some dingy bar stall. He wasn’t in love with Deidara. He never would be. 

Deidara yelled as he spilled his cum all over the floor below them, and with Sasuke not letting up, he thrusted one… two… three… more times and then felt a tingling sensation filter through his body, as he spilled himself inside of Deidara. 

Sasuke’s body was gripping tightly on the man’s hips, as he thrusted in and out a few more times, letting himself be milked, dry.

When Sasuke pulled out completely, Deidara went limp before him. He sunk down the door in front of them, leaning his head back.

“Fuck, man…” He sighed. “You—“

Sasuke cut him off as he slid on his pants. “We can fuck whenever. Just let me know.” He zipped himself off and then looked in the mirror. He’d sobered up a little bit, but he was still drunk as fuck.

“Yeah, right, for sure.” Deidara mumbled, standing up to put his clothes on. “Do you want to grab that bite to eat—“

“I don’t think so.” Sasuke interrupted again. “I’m not looking to _date_ you. Like I said, we can fuck.”

Sasuke looked at him, firmly, and Deidara, for the first time, looked away. He’d been overpowered. There was a feeling of guilt that hit Sasuke briefly, but it didn’t last long. He had been hoping to only fuck Deidara in the first place, but hearing Naruto’s name again, set something off in him. He wanted to know if all Sasuke would ever be able to do is have sex. Or did he have the power to love again. With Naruto, Sasuke had known immediately how he felt. He’d never felt any other way with someone. Sasuke hadn’t been able to find that again. He’d searched, given people chances and opportunities to prove him wrong. But it was all for naught. Even with Deidara, there was a sliver of hope that _maybe_ he could open to him and explore something further. His mind wouldn’t let him though. It was as if he had something he was holding out for. Something unspeakable. He didn’t care about Naruto. At least, that’s what he told himself constantly. He was a shell of human being. His love had been drained by the one person he’d vowed to never speak of again. Yet, that name kept repeating itself in his head randomly throughout the night.

And now… that person was in the same town as him and he knew it and he couldn’t change the fact that he still gave a fucking shit about him.

* * *

Sasuke arrived back in his apartment and immediately leaned over the kitchen sink, throwing up whatever emptiness was in his stomach. He didn’t realize how much he’d drank, feeling pretty sober after he’d left the bar with Deidara. However, on his ride home, he felt the wave of nausea creep in and settle in his throat. 

He grabbed a paper towel and wiped his mouth, then turning around to the fridge to open a bottle of water. He chugged it all in one go in an effort to lessen the hangover he’d have soon enough.

Sasuke looked down at his phone, but realized it had died at some point. Deidara had called him an Uber, and he hadn’t checked his phone at all during the evening. He turned around to look at the clock on his microwave: 11:34pm. It was barely late.

Sasuke went into his bedroom, which was limited in items: a queen sized bed, two night stands, a dresser, a desk and small workspace, and a closet. He hadn’t don’t much decorating besides that, but was hoping to make the place more of his own as time went on.

He fell down on top of his bed, plugging his phone in, waiting for it to power on. Meanwhile, his blurry vision was becoming more clear, and he focused on a small box that was in the corner of the bedroom, untouched.

He rolled over.

Now looking at the box made him want to throw it out. Sasuke was a sentimental person, so throwing things away, even things that didn’t mean much to him anymore, was difficult. There wasn’t much inside that box, but he didn’t want to leave it to rot in storage, even though he probably should’ve let it.

He sighed. His phone was still recharging and he needed to shower, but he couldn’t move. The night was weighing heavily on him. Not because he’d had sex in a bathroom with Deidara, but because his thoughts weren’t letting him let go of Naruto. Why did his father have to drop information like that on him so suddenly? 

Sasuke groaned. He’d never told his parents or Itachi anything that happened with Naruto. He wasn’t even sure if they knew he was gay. It wasn’t something he openly felt comfortable talking about with family. While he knew they loved him, he just wasn’t open like that anymore. It wasn’t in his nature to let people in…

He wished he could just move on. 

As his phone powered up again, he saw the lock screen: an image of space. Nothing special. He’d received only one text from Itachi.

_Sorry for earlier. I’m looking forward to dinner tomorrow._

Sasuke stared at it for a moment. He decided not to respond this late. He didn’t want to engage in any conversation with anyone right then, except…

Sasuke scrolled down the list of names in his messages until he landed on Naruto’s. His thumb hovered over it, looking at the date… Almost four years ago. Sasuke felt his heart start to race as he opened up the messages to browse through them. Naruto had been the only one texting Sasuke. After that night… That one time when it seemed as though it would all work out… Sasuke had given himself to Naruto fully, emotionally and physically. And, while Naruto had only reciprocated physically, there was a strong connection between them. Sasuke could tell. It was like fitting in the perfect puzzle piece. And during their night together, nothing else mattered to either of them. They were focused on each other; chatting casually, making out, making _love_ , falling asleep in each others arms… It was paradise to Sasuke. He felt as if all was right in the world. So when Naruto was gone in the morning, with only a text to explain himself, Sasuke felt utterly defeated. He felt foolish, like a joke. He’d thrown his phone so hard against the wall, that it had shattered and broken. He didn’t even replace it for a month. 

Over that next year, Sasuke had completely shut down. He stopped going out with his friends. He focused solely on school. He fucked random people that he’d never see again. He kept off social media. And, most importantly, he never responded to Naruto. He wouldn’t give that asshole the time of day. He was done being taken for granted. 

Sasuke scrolled up to that first text he’d sent him after their night together. Naruto had texted the following day, the day after that, the day after that, and the day after that… Continually for almost five months. Naruto texted him either every day or every other day. And the texts didn’t say much, just simple things like: _Hope you’re good, I miss you, You’re beautiful, Can I call you, Thinking of you, Merry Christmas, I miss you again, Happy New Year, I still miss you, I can’t sleep, Have a good day, Good morning, Sleep well, I thought I saw you on the tube today, but it wasn’t you, I miss you._

Messages like that stopped after a year of repeatedly being ignored. Sasuke didn’t know how he felt after realizing, after a week of not receiving a text, that he’d probably not get another. Part of him was relieved, but part of him longed for their connection to not be severed so quick. It hadn’t been quick though. Sasuke had chosen not to talk to him for a year. Sasuke had chosen not to fight Naruto and tell him how ridiculous and stupid he was… Perhaps if Sasuke had given him a piece of his mind, they could’ve figured out something. Naruto _did_ say he wanted to try… For a year he did, but it still made Sasuke feel like shit… Waking up alone how he had. 

Sasuke stared at the last message Naruto had sent him.

_I wish I was better for you._

It stung Sasuke’s soul a bit. Naruto had been perfect for him. He was oblivious to how his actions affected others though. He never had ill-intentions, Sasuke knew that, but he couldn’t be okay with how Naruto had left him. Right?

Sasuke wondered if Naruto was feeling similar to him right then. He was sure that his mother would’ve told him about his run in with Sasuke’s mother. They both could be lying in bed, staring at yours old text messages, wondering whether or not they should reach out. 

Sasuke didn’t want to initiate. He was too tired and still slightly drunk. He couldn’t think clearly, not to mention, what would he even say to him? Sorry? Absolutely not. He wasn’t sorry. He’d acted how anyone would’ve acted if they were pissed off and trying to move on. 

Sasuke put his phone down and stared at the box in the corner of his room. He’d told himself he’d moved on, yet he still kept the blonde’s things, tightly wrapped in a box. Who was he kidding? He’d never moved on. He’d never dealt with his emotions in any way at all. He’d just shoved them away, shut the door and locked it, praying it would never resurface. 

Sasuke sat up, feeling a little dizzy, but able to move. He walked over to the box and sat in front of it. Slowly, he opened it up and looked inside. He reached in and pulled out two post cards from London that Naruto had sent him years ago. Sasuke had never replied to them. Below that was the sweater. The iconic sweater that he’d held on to since high school. He’d had it with him for almost a decade now. How pathetic…

How pathetic… So pathetic, that he couldn’t stop himself from lifting it to his nose to sniff it.

He pulled it away and lowered his head. It smelled like cardboard. Nothing special. It wasn’t anything like Naruto anymore. It was just a piece of clothing that Sasuke was keeping around for some reason he didn’t want to admit.

He shoved the sweater and postcards back in the small box and sealed it up again, when he heard a buzz on his phone.

Immediately, Sasuke’s heart stopped. It was nearing midnight and his brother had already contacted him. Was it Deidara? Probably… However, Sasuke couldn’t help, but hope that it was another blonde…

Sasuke got up and walked to his phone, laying face down on the bed. He picked it up and let his eyes adjust to the light source.

He was right. It was Deidara.

_Thanks for the good time. Let’s do it again sooner rather than later. Maybe with dinner attached as well?_

Sasuke stared at it and felt his hand tremble in upset. Why was he wishing that Naruto was texting him? Why was he gripping his phone so tightly, begging the universe to show him that Naruto was still there? Did Naruto care at all? Was Naruto plagued with these wild emotions? It had been four years. Was Naruto just as pathetic?

Sasuke grimaced. Of course he wasn’t. The blonde probably didn’t feel tortured at all by the mess he’d put Sasuke in. Sasuke had been beaten down by his feelings for the blonde his entire life and Naruto was able to just take advantage of that and move on. He was living his life, carefree, unaffected by the damages. How fucking cruel. And now, he was back in the hometown he _knew_ Sasuke was also in and didn’t even care enough to apologize? He hadn’t reached out yet? He’d just moved on and forgotten all of his cruel acts towards the Uchiha so easily. Typical. 

Naruto was dense. Naruto was an idiot. Naruto was infuriating. Naruto was…

Sasuke’s hand trembled as he pressed Naruto’s name in his messages and hit the dial button. He wasn’t thinking clearly at all, but he couldn’t sleep unless he let Naruto have a piece of his mind.

_“Hello? Sasuke?”_

“You’re a fucking piece of shit, did you know that?”

_“I—uh—I—“_

“How could you fuck me and then leave? And then you have the audacity to text me about it, as if that experience we shared together was just casual? I told you I loved you. I loved you! Multiple times! And you didn’t think to yourself that maybe you shouldn’t fuck someone who is confessing their love to you and then leave them the next day with no warning. As if I’m some kind of one night stand to you. Some dumb idiot. And then you text me. You constantly texted me for a year! For what fucking reason? You’re a fucking asshole that’s the reason. You want me to suffer and be constantly reminded of your annoying presence. And now you’re in _my_ hometown, where I might run into you accidentally, and I fucking hate your guts! It’s torture! I—Fuck you!”

Sasuke panted. He barely was breathing and he felt dizzy again as he started pacing around. His legs were restless. He didn’t even know what he was doing.

The other end of the phone was silent.

“Say something you fucking ass!” Sasuke exhaled.

_“I—I don’t know what to say.”_

“Fuck you.” Sasuke said again, to remind himself that he meant it, even when he didn’t. “I never—“ Sasuke sighed. He was exhausted. 

The other end of the line was still silent.

“You’re a coward.” Sasuke mumbled. “Why did you do that to me?” 

Sasuke could hear a shuffle on the other end of the phone. Naruto was most likely in his bed. Sasuke might’ve even woken him up from his slumber. He didn’t care though. He needed to understand why these feelings still lingered inside of him, even after all this time apart and years hating the blonde.

_“I’m an asshole, and an idiot. Like you said. I can’t deny it.”_

“That’s not what I wanted to hear.” Sasuke mumbled, barely opening his mouth. “All you care about is yourself. You had the chance of something good. We both did, and you burned that bridge so easily. You took advantage of—“

_“I never meant to take advantage of you. That wasn’t my intention.”_

“But that’s what happened.”

_“I’d never want to hurt you, Sasuke. I was—I didn’t think it through. I was young—“_

“That’s not an excuse.”

_“It’s not, you’re right.”_

“And you weren’t even that young. You still knew what you were doing and you went through with it, not caring how it would affect me after.”

_“I know… I wasn’t thinking…”_

Sasuke didn’t respond. He didn’t know why he’d called Naruto. It wasn’t helping him to hear his voice. To know how close he was. To make him hurt…

“I hate you.” Sasuke said.

Naruto didn’t respond.

“And I don’t want to see you ever again.”

Naruto was still silent.

“I hope you understand how shitty of a person you are. Hopefully, you won’t treat your other lovers like one night stands in the—“

He heard Naruto chuckle on the other end of the line. _“As if…”_

“Huh?”

_“What?”_

“Why’d you say that?”

_“I mean—I’m pretty much a virgin again. I haven’t slept with someone in—something like—four years? Not sure if I’ll even have another chance at treating someone at all, be it as a lover or a one night stand.”_

“How?”

_“Huh?”_

“Why haven’t you slept with someone?”

_“I don’t know. Just hasn’t happened, I guess.”_

Sasuke paused. He was confused. Mad, but confused.

_“I’m sorry I made you hate me. I wish I could make it up to you, but—“_ Naruto cut himself off, as if he was unsure of whether or not he should speak any longer. Sasuke told himself that he wanted to end the call and brood away in the darkness, but he was afraid that if he did hang up, he’d never have another excuse to have Naruto’s attention.

Naruto must’ve been feeling the same way though, because he changed the subject.

_“Anyway, I’m glad everything is working out for you at the new job. My mom told me that you had a good debut case last week. I always knew you’d be a terrifyingly good defense attorney. So, I’m happy for you. Truly.”_

“Thanks.”

Sasuke didn’t know what else to say. He felt sick to his stomach. He yelled at Naruto, gotten everything off of his chest, called him names and belittled him… He didn’t feel any better though. He didn’t feel like he’d gotten closure with Naruto. He didn’t feel like he could move on. He felt sad… Something he hadn’t felt in a long time.

_“And they really updated the downtown area, huh? When we went to school, there weren’t half of these shops and restaurants. It’s insane. My mom says this place was listed in a ‘Coastal Hidden Gems’ magazine article and the population almost tripled in size in a span of six months.”_

“Yeah.”

Sasuke was still speechless. Naruto was talking to him like they were friends and Sasuke didn’t know how to stop it. Naruto seemed to be just as clueless as always, but, for some reason, Sasuke was happy for it. He was afraid to hang up, but he was also afraid to fall into something he wasn’t ready for with Naruto. Again.

“Naruto.” Sasuke mumbled.

The end of the line went completely silent. He wasn’t even sure the blonde was breathing.

“I really did hate you.”

Sasuke could hear Naruto’s breath hitch.

“You fucked me over and you ended up just moving on. You don’t even seem to have been affected by it at all, which is how I know that I meant nothing to you—“

_“You’re wrong.”_

“How can I be wrong when the evidence proves my point?”

_“You mean a lot to me, Sasuke. I—I fucked up. I really did. I went to London and finished school and then worked for a bit and yeah… It might’ve seemed like I had my shit together, but I was beating myself up constantly. I texted you every time I felt like I needed to, which happened to be often. And every time you didn’t respond, I felt like I needed to try harder to show you how much you meant to me. Which I know—I’m stupid for thinking that it changed anything and, well, it probably just drove you further away in the long run. So, I’m sorry I bothered you with all of that. I know… I should’ve told you about London before we slept together… I wasn’t thinking clearly. I was so—I wanted to be in that moment with you so bad, that I didn’t want to think about what the next day was going to bring. I was so focused on just being there, being with you. I absolutely realize the error in my ways now… I came to terms with how I was feeling about you though and I needed to secure myself within those feelings. But I was afraid, to be honest—Afraid that, if I spoke to you about leaving, you’d shut down or… Not go there with me.”_

Naruto finally took a breath.

_“I think about that night regularly. And I can’t help but feel my heart go from excited to depressed. It was such a good memory for me, but because of me it ended up feeling like a nightmare.”_

Naruto chuckled a bit, in an attempt to lighten the mood.

_“Sometimes I think that people can just tell that I’m in love with you or something, which is why I’ve had no luck in the lover or one night stand department lately.”_

Sasuke choked, while Naruto continued to laugh it off.

“Huh?”

_“Huh? Huh, what?”_

“What did you say?”

_“Am I cutting out or something?”_

Sasuke wanted to throw up again, but not literally, more so emotionally. “Since when are you in love with me?”

_“I don’t know, three and a half years or so? Is it that shocking?”_

“Yes. Yes, it is. Because you’re not supposed to be in love with me. You’re an asshole whom I hate.”

_“Right…”_

“Why would you say that?”

_“I’m just trying to be honest. Would you have rather me not tell you how I feel?”_

“Yes.”

_“All right… I’m sorry. Forget I said anything, then.”_

“That’s not how it works.”

_“Well, then hang up on me and you’ll never have to hear me say anything similar to that again.”_

“Huh?” Sasuke heard what he said, but he didn’t want to hang up.

_“Hang up on me. I’ll get the message. I’d be devastated, but it’d only be fair.”_

Sasuke was silent.

_“Hello? Did you hang up for real?”_

“No.”

Sasuke could hear Naruto sigh in relief. This conversation turned out to be more confusing than he’d had hoped. He went in just wanting to bitch Naruto out and eat him alive. But, for some reason, Naruto knew how to talk his way in and out of any situation. Naruto wanted to talk to Sasuke and he made it so that he was doing just that. Naruto wanted to confess to Sasuke, so he did and made Sasuke accept it. His heart was thumping through his chest at the revelation of Naruto’s feelings towards him. 

Maybe Sasuke just needed to try harder to maintain his upset towards Naruto though. If Naruto was going to be honest, then so would Sasuke. No matter what, Naruto had crushed his spirit and his ability to love others. No amount of therapy had helped him cope with that extreme in his life. And so, he wasn’t going to give Naruto the easy way out. Ever.

“I’ve slept with a lot of men in the last four years.” He stated.

_“Ah…”_ Keep going.

“I didn’t think about you once. I didn’t care about you at all. I still don’t.” That was a lie, but he needed to say something dramatic. If only to hurt Naruto just a bit more. Naruto was silent though.

“I hate myself for allowing you to take all the love I had to give.” Sasuke continued. “And I hate myself even more for not being able to rebuild that love and find someone else to give it to—someone who actually deserves it.”

Naruto was silent.

“You hurt me. And you don’t deserve to be in love with me, so I wish you wouldn’t be.”

_“Do you really mean that?”_

He didn’t know, but—

“Yes.”

_“I see…”_

Silence.

_“Are you… Seeing someone?”_

Sasuke wasn’t expecting that question and he wasn’t sure how he wanted to answer it. Should he answer yes, then he’d have to have someone in mind. But should he answer no, then it might make him look like Naruto has a chance. 

“Yes.” Sasuke felt like that would cause the least amount of damages. He could fake a significant other if necessary. He was unlikely to run into Naruto anyway. He’d make sure of that.

Naruto sighed. _“Looks like I’ll just have to pine from a distance.”_ He chuckled, nervously, to hide his upset. 

Sasuke could sense the shift in the mood at his lie. Naruto was trying to seem cool and collected, but he grew more silent, putting less effort in continuing the conversation. And since Sasuke was supposed to hate him, he didn’t introduce new topics, so the dialogue between them ended.

_“I’m sorry again. But I’m happy you’re doing well.”_ Naruto said, signing off.

“Yeah, thanks.” 

Sasuke hated himself.

“Bye then.”

_“Bye.”_

Sasuke didn’t want to hang up. He really didn’t want to—

Naruto hung up.

Sasuke slowly lowered the phone from his ear and felt his heart immediately strike him with a desperate longing to call Naruto back. He had to set his phone inside the drawer of the night stand to prevent himself from doing so. He slid down, curling up in his sheets and pillows. He did what he wanted to do. He’d accomplished it. However, it didn’t make him feel better. And now that he knew Naruto’s feelings, he felt at a loss.

He wished Naruto hadn’t been the only person he’d fallen in love with. He wished the pain wasn’t so deep. He wished he could move on, but at the same time he wished he could be with Naruto. He hated being so conflicted. 

He tried to be strong. He hadn’t felt so sad in years. Something about Naruto brought out all of his emotions without him being able to control them. If he just gave into his wants and desires, he’d be with Naruto right now and they’d just figure it out. He was too prideful though. And… He was afraid of what would happen with Naruto if something didn’t work out. Would he be abandoned? Discarded? Forgotten?

He couldn’t risk it. 

Even though, at that moment, all he wanted to do was pick up the phone, call Naruto back, and not think about what the next day would bring. 

Now, he felt like he kind of understood what Naruto was talking about when he said that same thing earlier.


	2. His Name: Part Two

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sasuke finds out that Naruto is back in town for a bit.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! I made a pretty long chapter to be the Part Two in this work of the series. It's a lot of emotions. And a lot of angst. And a lot of guilt, with a bit of hope. Might add one more chapter to finish this part off.
> 
> Kudos and comments are always welcome. ENJOY!

Sasuke slid off the bed, bending over to grab his black jeans that were thrown on the ground. He turned back to see Deidara just watching him, his face almost emotionless, but hiding something nonetheless. Sasuke didn’t indulge it. He’d made the rules with Deidara on a whim and the man had agreed to them. It wasn’t Sasuke’s fault if he was having second thoughts. Sure, it might become an inconvenience, especially if Deidara started wanting more than Sasuke could give, but he’d think about that when the time came.

As Sasuke turned back around again, he sensed Deidara shift into a seated position on the bed. The two of them had just had sex, again. This had to have been the tenth time they’d gone out for drinks and then ended up back at Deidara’s apartment. The first time they’d fucked—back in the bathroom of that bar—Sasuke had hoped Deidara might help get his mind off of Naruto permanently. He was hoping that romance could exist for him again, and that, maybe, he could learn to long for someone else’s attention. That someone else’s being Deidara’s. However, it didn’t work out as he’d wanted it to. While Deidara was handsome, charismatic, and had a noticeable hard on for the Uchiha, it was all so surface level for Sasuke. He couldn’t deny he was attracted to him, even though he was insufferable at times. But it was all physical. As Sasuke threw on his t-shirt, he turned to study Deidara once again. He was slouched, starring at his hands and catching his breath. They’d done it three or so times. Sasuke had just closed a case and was feeling _really_ good about it. And so, the two of them pounded it out until Sasuke lost his stamina. 

Sasuke watched the messy blonde hair float out and away from Deidara’s face as he breathed out heavily. All Sasuke wanted to do was feel _something more_ towards him. Anything would work. He’d felt he’d given himself enough time to develop feelings… His eyes traveled down the man’s clean, bare chest, counting the smaller tattoos that lined his ribcage. He didn’t even know what they were; he'd never taken the time to actually see them. But honestly, did he want to? As Sasuke’s eyes continued to travel down the man’s body, he realized he didn’t. It was a realization that made him feel oddly empty. After spending so much off time with Deidara, he couldn’t find any reason to care more about him.

Sasuke sighed, closing his eyes, which caused Deidara to look over at him.

“Something up? I thought you were leaving.” He muttered. His voice wasn’t hurt, but pretty defensive. They’d been fucking for almost two months now. The ten times littered throughout those weeks. Sasuke’d seen Deidara a few times outside of those sexual encounters. He’d casually run into him at the courthouse, or the police station. It wasn’t often, but it was enough to build up the sexual tension and engage in some witty banter. Sasuke liked that feeling. But he knew it wasn’t anything more than just physical tension. He knew he could use Deidara, unfortunately. Part of him wished he’d feel disgusted with himself, so that he could stop leading Deidara into this weird situationship. But, another part of him knew that, if he did that, he’d never stop thinking about Naruto. Especially because Naruto had been contacting him recently, reminding him of his existence little by little, “pining from afar” as he’d stated. It just so happened that ever time Naruto did reach out, Sasuke’d schedule a meet up with Deidara fairly soon after. He didn’t like to admit the blatant cause and effect, but it was hard to hide it.

Sasuke looked over at Deidara, still staring at him. “I am. Sorry. I must’ve zoned out.” Sasuke fixed his hair as he turned around to look for his jacket. 

“You can always stay over. If you want…” Deidara mumbled the last bit. He was always so outgoing and confident. Whenever he became softer, he tried to hide it. Sasuke knew that if he accepted the invitation, Deidara would have hope. Hope that shouldn’t be there. Sasuke didn’t want that for Deidara. He wouldn’t be able to satisfy the man in that way. Even though, as of late, he was wishing he could, if only for his on sanity. He didn’t want Naruto to be the only person for Sasuke.

“I’m fine.” Sasuke said, picking up his denim jacket.

“You drank a lot tonight.” Deidara added to his case. “You shouldn’t be driving if you’re even only a bit intoxicated.”

“What are you, a cop now?” Sasuke chuckled to himself.

“I’m not trying to be a cop. I’m trying to be serious.” Deidara said, defending himself again.

Sasuke turned back around to look at the blonde. He was all geared up and ready to go, minus his shoes, which he’d left at the door.

“I’m fine, trust me.” Sasuke caught his eyes and held the contact. It was enough proof to show that he was, indeed, sober now. “I think over the last month or so, I’ve built up quite the tolerance.” He finished off.

Deidara leaned back against the headboard, stretching his neck and exposing it. There was a significant bruise around it, from Sasuke, of course. His sex with Deidara always tended to be more violent or aggressive. Sasuke wasn’t sure why… He felt as though he was taking his anger out on Deidara, which, in hindsight, wasn’t the smartest thing to do. However, he had so many pent up feelings and nowhere to place them. Deidara willingly accepted them and even played into them.

“You know…” Deidara called back out. “We only ever hook up when you want to.” 

Sasuke stared at him, unsure of where the conversation was going. They’d just had a good night together, both being more than relieved. 

Deidara eyed Sasuke. The sharp edges of the blonde’s jaw line were beyond alluring. If Sasuke wasn’t already spent, he might’ve been able to go for round four. Deidara seemed to sense Sasuke tense his body, though, because he smirked at the guttural reaction.

“Why don’t you ever come over when _I_ want to hook up?” Deidara asked. “I’ve definitely tried to engage with you on more than one occasion, only to be rejected.”

Sasuke shrugged. He hadn’t noticed what Deidara was accusing him of. It’s not like he _wasn’t_ doing things or occupied whenever Diedara requested his “services.” The man knew what being a lawyer was all about. He couldn’t just drop time for sex whenever he felt like it.

“It’s not my fault that I’m loaded with work.” Sasuke responded.

Deidara shrugged. “I guess not. But I always make time for you whenever you need me.”

“I don’t need you like you think I do.” 

“Oh?” Deidara’s tone was mocking. “So, who’d you fuck if I said no?”

Sasuke was silent. He didn’t have an answer. He knew that he’d want to fuck someone else—specifically Naruto—but he couldn’t say that. He was supposed to still hate the man.

“Exactly.” Deidara sighed. “Why don’t you make some time for me then next time when I ask? It’s no fun being at your beck and call all the time.”

“I thought you liked that?” Sasuke said, smirking right back at the man.

“It’s getting old.” Deidara lost his smirk. “Just because I like you doesn’t mean you get to make me your bitch.”

Sasuke sighed, shaking his head. “I told you that we can fuck—“

“You said we can fuck _whenever_. You didn’t say that you dictated when whenever was.” Deidara interrupted.

Sasuke huffed in slight annoyance. This was exactly the type of thing he had wanted to have avoided. Sure, Sasuke seemed to control the time and date of their meetings, but it was because his schedule was far busier than Deidara’s. it was all purely coincidence. His work was just beginning as a lawyer, and so he wanted to take as many cases as he could to put his name on the map. Persistence in his line of work was key. How else would he become strong enough to take over the family business? Deidara didn’t have that type of pressure. And so, he was more relaxed when he took on his workload. 

“What do you want me to do then?” Sasuke asked, plainly.

Deidara’s small smirk creeped back onto his face. “Next time I want to hook up, just hook up with me. Make some time in that busy schedule of yours.”

Sasuke glared at him, hating that he was being looked down on and controlled like this. He had no comeback though. He didn’t want to stop what he was doing with Deidara. He felt that he’d make some idiotic choice regarding Naruto if he was sexually frustrated for too long. He couldn’t give that other blonde the satisfaction. And so—

“Fine.” Sasuke headed out of the bedroom, hearing Deidara call out after him.

“Looking forward to next time, then, Sasuke!” He could feel the smugness radiating off of him even though he wasn’t in the same room as him anymore. Sasuke quickly slid on his shoes, grabbed his car keys from the counter and left the apartment. 

* * *

As Sasuke sat in his car, he pulled out his cell phone that he hadn’t looked at for hours. He’d received a few work emails and lastly—a text from Naruto. Immediately, his heart fell into his stomach and he put his phone down. He didn’t look at the message, out of fear of what it would say. Not to mention how late the text was sent. It was currently 2 AM. And while Naruto had sent that text close to an hour ago, it was still too late of a text to be anything casual. Naruto, however casual he was, was, at the same time, never casual. There was always something he was saying—be it through his body language, his eyes, his words, his actions. Sasuke knew that even if Naruto texted: _Hey, just checking up on you._ It meant more than what was on the screen. And, while Sasuke wasn’t drunk nor was he sexually needy at the moment, he couldn’t be trusted with Naruto. It was all like an open playing field. No rules. No structure. No safety net. Nothing at all to protect him from what would happen or what he would say.

Then again—what if it was something important? Naruto hadn’t been texting his phone _too often_. He randomly dropped a text whenever he saw something that reminded him of Sasuke, or if he just wanted to say hello. Naruto even called him once to tell him that he saw the spread about him and the family business in a local magazine. Everything was so innocent, which is what threw Sasuke off. The last time he’d been with Naruto face-to-face, they’d hooked up and then he woken up alone. It was devastating and he made sure Naruto knew how much he disliked him, even though it only came out years later. But everything about that night—he’d replayed it in his mind often enough—didn’t come across as innocent. While Naruto tended to act naive or dense, every move he made was that of intention. Naruto danced with Sasuke, made out with him, went with him back to his apartment, slept with him… Sasuke thought about it more and more. Naruto at the beach when they were about to graduate high school… Why did Naruto do what he did? Because he _wanted to_. It was as he always said. He lived in the moment, with no concern for what came next. It was a dangerous way to live life, but he’d made it this far, unscathed from what it looked like. Sasuke seemed to be the one constantly bearing this burden.

Sasuke couldn’t decide what he wanted to do. He was still sitting in the unmoving car outside of Deidara’s apartment. Oh, yeah… Deidara. 

Sasuke had told Naruto he was seeing someone. He didn’t expect Naruto to have cared all too much, but he was respecting Sasuke’s space. They’d never once seen each other out and about. Sasuke, whenever he did respond to Naruto, was brief and quick. His intention was to send Naruto a message of indifference. And while, yes, Naruto was dense at times, Sasuke could tell that the blonde felt the raven’s lack of care. Sasuke never reached out first. And when he did respond to Naruto, he took his sweet time. 

Sasuke’s head fell forward, between his hands that were gripping the steering wheel, and sighed. He had no clue what he was doing. He was torturing himself. On top of that, he was most likely torturing Deidara… Possibly even Naruto. Both of those men knew how to act like they were emotionally in control, but Sasuke could sense in certain actions—be it how Deidara watches while Sasuke puts his clothes back on after sex, or how Naruto loses his excitement after he reads a texted response from Sasuke—that the two did feel pain. Pain that was caused by Sasuke.

Sasuke reached for his phone and unlocked it, clicking on Naruto’s text message. 

_Hey Sasuke, sorry to be reaching out so late, but I ran into Itachi tonight at that little Italian place off of 2nd St. He said you won another of your cases recently. Congrats! Hope you’re celebrating hard._

The text wasn’t urgent. It wasn’t important. It wasn’t anything that needed immediate attention. 

Sasuke lowered his phone. It was so innocent. It was so… 

Deidara hadn’t congratulated him. It’s not like Sasuke was looking for validation from the man, but… He couldn’t deny that it felt nice. He’d been working on that case for longer than he’d expected, with the prosecution constantly bringing in new evidence to drag it out until their witnesses were coached enough. Sasuke felt that he’d lose the case due to him being irritated during the entire proceedings and not connecting well to the jury. It played in his favor though. It seemed the jury felt his anger and annoyance, and so his guy was let off with time served. It felt amazing. All his hard work, long nights, and insane court days helped bring justice. He saved someone’s life, in his eyes. He didn’t know how to celebrate, which was why he spent the evening with Deidara.

Sasuke stared at the text, not blinking, but reading it over and over and over again. It’s not like Naruto was asking for anything. He probably wasn’t even expecting Sasuke to respond. And Sasuke knew he shouldn’t. Nothing good came out of a late night conversation. Plus, what would he even say? Thank you? 

He hated himself. Why did he have to overthink everything? Why wasn’t this as simple as he wanted it to be? 

In reality, it was simple. He still wanted Naruto. No matter what he did to distract himself, he still had a thing for that man. The reason why he hated himself was because he didn’t want to have feelings like that for Naruto at all.

_Right?_

Sasuke paused. It would be more wrong to pretend to have feelings for someone else though. It would be more wrong to ignore feelings. It would be painful to lie and hurt another person. 

Sasuke banged his head on the steering wheel. He needed to shut his head up. He turned on the car and blasted whatever music started to play from the speakers. Quickly, he pulled out of the parking spot, and drove away with no destination in mind.

Yet, for some reason, he wound up at the beach, his headlights stretched out into the darkness. It allowed him enough light to see the waves crashing on the sand. He lowered the music, and rolled down the windows, breathing in the salty air. He exhaled. It was refreshing. He never knew how powerful the ocean was, until he didn’t have access to it all the time. It was so nice to just be alone and listen to the waves crashing… Letting the salt in the air fill up his lungs and kiss his skin. 

He leaned back in his seat, trying to clear his head from its onslaught of thoughts. It was now almost 2:30 AM. Of course, Naruto was probably fast asleep. He couldn’t help but wonder though… 

Sasuke picked up his phone.

_I did celebrate hard. Thank you._

Sasuke looked at it. He then erased it all.

_Thanks._

Sasuke looked at it. He erased it all again.

_Don’t know how hard, but I did celebrate. Thanks._

Sasuke looked at it. He sent it. It was a bit… sexual? But at the same time, Sasuke didn’t care. He’d been so strung out lately that his filter was a bit off. Even if he was overthinking every little word he was saying, he didn’t want to come off as too cold. And so, the only other way was to come off as flirty. Hopefully, Naruto didn’t take it the wrong way.

His phone buzzed. Sasuke felt the light hit his face and his eyes closed immediately. Fuck. So, Naruto was awake. 

Sasuke exhaled, slowly, in an attempt to calm his heart down. He felt like a school girl talking to their crush. It was embarrassing. Thankfully, he was alone.

He, hesitantly, opened the text.

_Well, if you’re up this late, the celebrating must’ve been pretty hard._

Naruto had joked back. In the minimal interaction him and Naruto had had over the last two months or so, nothing had ever been this… casual in responses. Everything seemed so harsh whenever Sasuke would engage with him. But, with Sasuke’s text letting go a little bit, Naruto was able to crack a small joke back. It seemed when Sasuke opened the door a bit, Naruto took a step forward, not wasting the opportunity. It was sad, really. They used to be so close… He never would’ve imaging their “relationship” would’ve looked like this.

And, with that longing thought, Sasuke felt his heart thump in his throat. The beach was supposed to calm him down, but it wasn’t doing a good job at this point in time. He was feeling on edge. 

He looked down at the text and read it over again.

Every single time he talked to Naruto, this happened. The anxiety, the butterflies, the fear, the love, the hate… He didn’t know if he should respond… And if he did, what would that mean?

At least, to him, it would mean more. It would mean that Sasuke was letting Naruto deeper inside, letting him indulge in his own wants, forgiving him, breaking his own rules. changing his mind…

To Naruto, though, he didn’t know what it would mean. As Sasuke recalled their phone conversation from two months ago, he heard Naruto’s feelings confessed clear as day. He heard Naruto tell him what Sasuke meant to him. He couldn’t see his face or his body, but he could sense the sincerity. Naruto’s intention was always to win Sasuke over. He was just an idiot and didn’t do it right, which was where this entire situation had brought him. It had always been, “Maybe next time…” Except it never happened that way.

It had been five minutes…

Now seven…

Sasuke hadn’t responded in seven minutes, just stared at the keyboard on the screen, waiting for something to come to him.

_How’s everything else going for you? Work aside…_

Fuck. Naruto double texted him. Fuck, fuck, fuck, FUCK. Sasuke groaned.

He’d taken too long. He was out of his element. Opening the door back up for Naruto was becoming a stressful task, not only emotionally, but mentally as well. He didn’t remember this fear when he confronted the man over the phone months ago. And this was just talking through text! 

He took a few deep breaths. He needed to remember that Naruto had royally fucked him over. More than once. If he had that mentality, maybe he’d be able to grow his confidence back a bit.Naruto had abandoned him after, what he considered, the greatest sexual experience in his life. And after that… He had the audacity to confess his feelings to him after years of near silence!

It was torture.

Sasuke wished he didn’t have to think anymore. If he kept engaging casually with Naruto then… He’d be the person who would royally fuck someone over. Part of him wondered if what he was doing to Diedara was any worse than what Naruto had done to him… Probably not.

Sasuke gripped the phone. 

_Good._

That’s too dismissive. Naruto had double texted, so Sasuke would too.

_And you?_

He exhaled, not realizing he’d been holding his breath.

_All right. What are you doing?_

Naruto responded far too quickly.

_I’m at the beach._

Fuck.

_By yourself?_

God his heart was beating so fast. He was wondering if he’d die from a heart attack any second.

_Unfortunately._

Fuck. That sounded like an invitation.

Sasuke stared down at the phone. He was waiting for Naruto to respond, expecting it to come quickly after Sasuke’s was received. Except…

Two minutes had passed and Naruto hadn’t responded. The anxiety bubbling within him spread outward from his stomach into his limbs. He was feeling numb, as if he was drowning. Even the sounds of a waves were causing his brain to hyper activate. Did he say the wrong thing? Did Naruto get bored and go to sleep? Fuck. He tried to be open. He tried to let the blonde back in, just a bit… Maybe it was too much though. Maybe this was the universe telling him to stop before it was too late. It was definitely too suggestive of an invitation. He’d acted too casually. There was no way…

Sasuke sunk down, dropping the phone by his side. He glanced at the clock in his car: 3:05 AM.

What was he doing… He felt at a loss… He wished…

His phone buzzed again, and with the swift pull of his arm, he placed the screen in front of his face.

_Do you want company?_

Sasuke felt the entire world stop. Did he, Sasuke Uchiha, want company from… Naruto Uzumaki… at 3:05 AM… at the beach… the same beach they’d shared a kiss… Sasuke’s first kiss…

He didn’t want to say the wrong thing. It would be nice to have Naruto there, that much was true in his heart. Maybe they could just talk… normal, casual talk. Just for one night. Forget about everything and just rewind a bit. Sure, Naruto was supposedly in love with him and Sasuke hated his guts, even though deep down he also loved him, but the blonde didn’t know that—but that wouldn’t interfere with a normal hang out, right? It was just _one night_.

Sasuke felt like crying. He was overwhelmed, but also sad. He had been struggling these past few years to find a love and romance similar to what he’d felt for Naruto. And now… Here was Naruto, in love with Sasuke, and yet, Sasuke had to hold back. He couldn’t give in. He’d be rewarding Naruto for his behavior and past actions. He’d be wrapped around the man’s fingers. Plus… He’d just had sex with Diedara and now… If he invited Naruto… He was going to… 

He, no, he had to stay firm. He had rules…

_No._

Sasuke messaged back and then threw the phone so hard against the side of the passenger door, it shattered the screen. 

“Fuck!” Sasuke crumbled into himself. He felt as though he was hurting himself more and more every single time he fought against his desires. He couldn’t stop the few tears that leaked from his eyes, falling down the tip of his nose and onto his jeans. He hated himself. He was ruining his only chance at happiness because he felt as though he wasn’t supposed to love Naruto. He was supposed to hate him.

In his mind, if he gave in to Naruto, then Naruto wouldn’t learn. Naruto wouldn’t see how badly Sasuke was hurt… Sasuke needed to hurt Naruto just as much as Naruto hurt him.

Sasuke punched the steering wheel. He was just as bad as the blonde. Probably even worse. He was using Diedara’s body, leading Naruto on, fucking with his own emotions. He was unsure of what he felt anymore… It was as if he was trying to kill every and all feelings he could emote, so as to not give anyone the satisfaction of receiving them. Like he wanted Naruto to see how much he screwed Sasuke over…

Even though, all of that would be pointless. Sasuke would lose everything in that scenario. And Naruto might be able to move on… With someone else…

Sasuke picked up the phone to see Naruto had texted back. 

_No worries. I’ll leave you be then. Goodnight._

Sasuke stared through the cracks on the screen and let a few more tears fall. He was such an asshole and an idiot. Naruto was respecting his space, truly. Naruto was pining from afar, not pushing his luck. He was trying to make headway with Sasuke, even though Sasuke often rejected him. He didn’t give up. It was terrible, but it was just like Naruto to hold out for the one person he couldn’t have.

Sasuke let the phone slip from his hands and land in the cup holder. He needed to leave the beach. He needed to forget everything. He needed to… 

He didn’t know what he needed anymore. All he felt was pain… Pain that he’d brought on himself.

* * *

It had been a week since his night, alone at the beach. He was standing inside of the Apple store, waiting for his new, fixed phone to be brought out from the back. It hadn’t taken too long, only about two days, but he was finally going to be able to see on his phone screen again. As the IT tech handed him his phone, Sasuke paid and then browsed through it. Fortunately, he only needed a new piece of glass for the screen—nothing else internally had been damaged. Which meant he still had all the messages from that night on the beach… The messages that sent him into such a spiral he broke the phone in the first place. 

As he left the store, he paused and looked through the messages. He opened the one thread he had with Naruto, seeing the final text that was sent to him. He read it over twice and then a third time, as if he would understand a different meaning the more he reread it. However, the same thing came across each time: Defeated. Naruto seemed interested and eager throughout the messages prior to Sasuke’s harsh rejection. After that, he respectfully obliged… but it all sounded defeated. Sasuke felt a punch to his gut—one he was sure Naruto must’ve felt, but ten times worse, the night of. 

He locked his phone, disgusted with himself, and looked around. The outdoor mall area was booming with people. He hated it. He’d been attempting to avoid all social interactions until he could get his head and heart on straight. He used to love to see families and couples walking around… It gave him hope for his future. Now, it just seemed like a way to torture him for eternity. He had the man he’d been in love with for over a decade in the same town as him, and he was pushing him away. And for what reason? He wasn’t a teenager anymore, yet he continued to act like one. Sasuke needed to grow up.

He needed to get over it, honestly. He needed to apologize, which is something he never thought he’d do. But, for the first time, he knew that Naruto deserved better than him. 

Sasuke sat in his car in the parking garage and dialed Naruto. If he didn’t do it then, he’d never persuade himself to do it later on.

The ringing continued… until…

_“Sasuke?”_ Naruto answered, sounding genuinely confused. 

“Hey, am I bothering you?” Sasuke listened in and could tell that Naruto was in a cafe or something. He heard someone calling out names in the background.

_“No, I’m grabbing a coffee, but I’m good. Is something up?”_ Naruto was quick to get to the point. Sasuke hated how rushed he sounded. He didn’t know if it was because Naruto was actually busy, or because he didn’t want to extend the conversation any longer than was necessary because… he knew Sasuke probably didn’t care for the small talk. Either way, it frustrated Sasuke and made his dislike for himself only grow larger.

“Nothing is up, per se… I just…” He cleared his throat. “I wanted to apologize for the other night—“

Naruto cut him off. _“Oh, that was my bad for inviting myself like that. I’m sorry to have put you in that position. I was… To be honest, it was late and I couldn’t sleep and I let my feelings get the best of me. So, I am sorry.”_

Sasuke closed his eyes. Even now, Sasuke was unable to apologize without Naruto beating him to the punch. He’d made his decision to reject Naruto that night, and yet Naruto was sorry for putting him in the position to have to do it in the first place. Sasuke blamed himself. He needed Naruto to know that.

“It wasn’t your fault. It was mine. So, let me apologize.” Sasuke exhaled.

Naruto was silent on the other side, briefly. _“All right…”_

Sasuke could hear Naruto’s name being called out in the background and then Naruto mumbled a thank you or something to someone. Sasuke waited until he felt the voices drown out a bit, signaling to him that Naruto was alone enough so that he could hear the formal apology—the once in a lifetime apology.

“I’m sorry.” And that was it. Sasuke waited for Naruto to answer. He heard the man chuckle a bit, catching Sasuke off guard.

_“Is that it?”_

Sasuke quickly defended himself. “Yes, that’s it. That’s what an apology is.”

_“All right then. Thanks for apologizing.”_ Naruto responded.

Sasuke didn’t say anything. He didn’t know what else to say. He felt so odd talking to Naruto like this. He’d give anything to let his guard down and just laugh with the man, but he knew he wasn’t welcome to do that… He’d given Naruto enough trouble. He didn’t want to be so hot and cold with him as well. 

_“Sasuke?”_ Naruto broke the silence.

“Hm?” Sasuke mumbled.

Sasuke’s breath hitched slightly. He wasn’t nervous, but he could feel his palms start to perspire a bit.

_“Feel free to say no…”_ Naruto nervously chuckled and Sasuke could almost picture how Naruto looked, rubbing the back of his neck and looking down. _“Would you like to actually catch up sometime…? Maybe like a coffee or—“_

Before even thinking, Sasuke couldn’t stop himself. “Yes.” He gulped. “Yes, I would like that. A coffee, that is.”

He could tell Naruto was caught by Sasuke’s quick response. _“Oh…”_ His voice perked up. _“Oh, that’s… I wasn’t… Great! I—I know you’re busy and all, so—“_

Again, Sasuke responded far too quickly. “I’m free next Monday. After six.”

_“Maybe we meet at eight or so, then? There’s this place called Rico’s near the Central Park area.”_ Naruto said.

“Sounds good. I’ll see you there then. At eight.” Sasuke said, trying to sound less eager.

_“Yeah, cool. See you then.”_ Naruto hung up the phone.

Sasuke exhaled, heavily. Fuck. Did he just set a date with Naruto? He’d called the blonde to apologize, but then eagerly accepted the man’s invitation to coffee. 

The raven sat with himself for a moment, blankly staring ahead. He tried to analyze how he was feeling… There was no pain, just a rush of adrenaline. 

No. Pain.

None.

Nada.

Nothing.

He knew that if he gave into his feelings, he’d lessen the hurt. He knew that would happen. Yet, he was still shocked. It was a Thursday. He’d have to wait over the weekend until he could see Naruto.

Sasuke let his head fall back against the headrest. He hadn’t seen Naruto for years. He’d been communicating via text and phone. He didn’t know how the blonde had changed… Would Naruto think he’d changed? Of course he had, but he couldn’t tell. 

Fuck… He was still technically seeing someone. He wasn’t sure which lie he’d have to spin next, but for some reason he didn’t care. All he could think about was that he’d be seeing Naruto again. Even though he’d set rules for himself. He managed to break one and he, surprisingly, didn’t feel bad about it.

Hopefully, whatever happened at _coffee_ wouldn’t go south.

* * *

Sasuke paced outside of the coffee shop Naruto had set as their meeting place. He was there right on time—not too early, but not too late. However, Naruto tended to show up _later_ than on time as he’d recalled from their earlier years.

Sasuke hadn’t been able to focus on work _at all_ over the weekend. The entire time he was worried about how this little get together with Naruto would go and what it even meant to him or Naruto. It all sounded innocent when Naruto suggested it at first, but now… Sasuke wondered just how innocent it could be. The last time they’d seen each other… Well, he wouldn’t use innocent as the adjective to describe it. In fact, he’d label it as the opposite.

He couldn’t stop his brain from overthinking everything though. Maybe he was rushing into this? Maybe he was giving in to Naruto too easily and didn’t give the blonde enough of a taste of heartbreak? But then again, the longer this situation dragged on, the less clear Sasuke felt about what he actually wanted. This meeting could be good for him. While they’d be able to just see each other again, Sasuke could also understand how he felt about Naruto—be it hatred, or love, or possibly both? And maybe come up with some sort of solution on how to fix it.

The sun had set an hour or so ago, and Sasuke peered down at his watch: 8:05. The bastard knew how to make him wait, that’s for sure.

“Sasuke!” Naruto’s voice echoed down the sidewalk, and Sasuke’s heart sank. 

Sasuke looked over his shoulder and saw Naruto walking towards him in some faded jeans, Chelsea boots, and a long-sleeve printed shirt to match. His hair was messy, which wasn’t out of the ordinary. He looked a bit taller… His shoulders were more broad… He definitely dressed better… He looked older, which he was. He looked like a man, not some kid he once used to know. He wasn’t the same man who fucked him over… He’d grown. 

Naruto shoved his hands in his pockets, keeping a small smile glued to his face as he stopped in front of Sasuke. 

Quickly, Sasuke snapped out of his blank stare to greet the man in front of him.

“Hey, Naruto.” He sounded hesitant, which only made sense, but, in reality, he was just taking in the view. The past few days he’d been full of anxiety and hesitance towards seeing Naruto again. But now that he’d laid eyes on him, he couldn’t have been more drawn to him.

As they looked at each other for that brief moment, before Naruto headed to the entrance to the coffee shop, Sasuke didn’t feel an ounce of hatred. He was afraid that would happen, but at the same time, relieved. He’d fallen right back into his feelings for the blonde. The only way he knew how to be firm and keep up a wall, was when he wasn’t around him.

Naruto opened the door for Sasuke and let him in first. They both made their way to the counter, looking at the menu.

“I know what I want. How about you?” Naruto said, his shoulder casually bumping into Sasuke’s. Sasuke then stepped to the side, to give the two of them some distance, while pulling out his wallet.

“I got you. Don’t worry about it.” Naruto put his hand out to stop Sasuke from paying.

“I can pay for myself.” Sasuke said, still trying to be firm.

“Yeah, I know, but I asked you here, so it’s only fair if I treat you.” Naruto looked at him. “Just order.”

Slowly, Sasuke put his wallet away.

“I’ll have a medium americano with some cream. And…” Naruto gestured for Sasuke to order.

“Just a black coffee.” Sasuke said.

Naruto smiled and pulled out his card to pay. Once they got their drinks, they found a booth in the back corner, near a window. It was such a nice place, Sasuke wondered why he’d never seen it before. Naruto always found he best little places. 

The two sipped in silence for a bit, barely looking at each other. Sasuke’s anxiety wasn’t dulled down by the coffee either. He felt as though, at any moment, he’d run out of the place and never look back. It was so odd that Naruto made him feel this way; this strong urge to stay, but also to run. As if he was uncertain, without a map, lost at sea… That was Naruto.

“So…” Naruto sipped again. “It’s been a while.”

Sasuke nodded. 

“You look…” Naruto paused. “Nice. Like grown up.”

Sasuke shrugged. “I’m 26, you know. The same goes for you too.”

“How long has it been then?”

Without hesitation, Sasuke said. “Nearly five and a half years.” 

Sasuke watched as Naruto’s eyes widened and he nodded, looking down. Naruto seemed nervous too, which was unlike him. His fingers kept running circles around the side of the coffee cup he was holding. Sasuke looked down at his own fingers, which were gripping the cup so tightly, his knuckles were almost white.

“That’s… I didn’t realize it had been that long. Time sure flies.” Naruto mumbled.

Sasuke didn’t respond though. It really had been a long time. It wasn’t like Sasuke was counting the days, but he reminded himself of Naruto constantly. It wasn’t like he was trying to, but certain things would pop into his head and he couldn’t help himself. Naruto just happened to be almost everywhere in Sasuke’s life. 

“Congrats on everything you’ve been doing, you know, it all seems so… impressive.” Naruto said.

“Thanks.” Sasuke responded.

It was painful now. This conversation. Sasuke watched Naruto sip his coffee… The man was internalizing everything, which was what Sasuke normally did. He wasn’t lively constantly, like always. Something was bothering him.

“You’ve gotten a lot of press—“

“Why’d you ask me to coffee, Naruto?” Sasuke cut him off.

Naruto looked up, caught off guard. “Oh, I didn’t think you’d accept, if I’m being honest.” 

“So, you had no reason to ask?” Sasuke tilted his head.

“No—not that—I just—I obviously just wanted to see you, so I thought I’d shoot my shot. Before you hung up on me.” Naruto said, rubbing his neck, just like Sasuke had pictured him doing days before. Naruto’s tone hadn’t changed in all these years.

“I see…” Sasuke said, thinking to himself.

Naruto nodded. “I’m happy you did say yes.”

Sasuke looked up.

“And I hope I’m not intruding on—I know you said you were seeing someone, which is totally cool—“ Naruto stumbled over his words. “This is just supposed to be casual.”

“Casual.” Sasuke repeated, looking away.

“Yeah. Like… friends.” Naruto said. His voice lowered a bit towards the end of his statement. Sasuke felt the hair on the back of his neck stand up. Friends. That’s what Naruto wanted. Or, at least, that’s what he was saying now. Sasuke felt a bit down at that. He was half expecting Naruto to try and make some move on him. Something that Sasuke could reject… But also something that would remind Sasuke that what Naruto told him was true. If Naruto was in love with Sasuke, why would he want to be friends? Was he giving up on the chase? Had Sasuke pushed him so far away that Naruto felt he’d never catch up? What was the big idea and why was it hurting Sasuke so much to hear Naruto say, “friends?”

Sasuke couldn’t hide the emotions he was feeling. He wanted this conversation to be casual. He really did. But his emotional state was anything, but casual. He needed to be on the same page as Naruto, which he wasn’t.

“When did you realize you wanted to be friends?” Sasuke asked, challenging him, but not looking at him. Instead, he stared down in his cup of lukewarm coffee.

Naruto shrugged. “Not sure. Recently, probably.” 

Sasuke gulped. “So, you fell out of love that fast?”

“I didn’t say that.”

“But you want to be friends."

“You’re seeing someone, Sasuke.”

“So?”

“So, I can’t just—I don’t know—what am I supposed to do?”

“What?” Sasuke glared at him.

“What am I supposed to do?” Naruto asked again.

Sasuke waited. He wasn’t sure what he wanted to hear Naruto say anymore. The conversation had barely started, but at the same time, it felt as though it was over already. They were disagreeing. Sasuke had his defenses up. As he looked at Naruto, he longed to just be closer to him, but his heart and his mind were in battle. He kept pushing Naruto away, out of fear of being hurt again, yet, hearing that Naruto might’ve already moved on, infuriated Sasuke to no end and he couldn’t let it go.

“Why did you agree to grab a coffee with me?” Naruto asked, leaning back in the booth and staring directly into the deep abysses of Sasuke’s eyes.

Sasuke wanted to break the contact, but couldn’t. “Because…”

“Because, why?” Naruto pressed on.

“Because I needed to understand something.” Sasuke said.

“What something?” Naruto continued.

Sasuke took a deep breath, closing his eyes. He needed to relax. He wouldn’t get anywhere all tensed up and angry.

“If I hated you or not.” Sasuke’s words silenced Naruto. He watched the man sink down a bit, letting the weight of the words burden his thoughts. The amount of times Sasuke had mentioned his hatred of Naruto to Naruto himself had to have been one too many. No wonder Naruto needed to move on. Sasuke was toxic.

Mumbling, Naruto responded. “Do you?”

Sasuke shrugged in response. He was lying though. He didn’t hate Naruto. Not exactly, at least. He hated himself more. Why was it so hard for him to just be honest? Why couldn’t he let Naruto in? Why did he damn himself to be tortured for all of eternity?

“That sucks.” Naruto chuckled. He wasn’t laughing because the comment was funny, but because he was sad. Naruto tended to face his sadness with humor. This painful chuckle that escaped him was hiding total sadness.

Sasuke scowled at himself, looking away from Naruto. Didn’t he tell himself to grow up the other day? What happened to him now that he was put in the position when he needed to do just that? When did he become such a coward?

Sasuke felt a buzz in his jacket pocket from his phone—terrible timing. He glanced at Naruto, who was still looking down. He really shouldn’t pull out his phone, but he felt restless. He needed to reset. And so, he checked the text message he’d received… From _Deidara_ … Fuck.

_Yo Sasuke, come over. I’ve had a shit day and I need some relief, if you know what I mean._

Sasuke stared down at the screen. This couldn’t be happening. Not now. Not when he was in the middle of this thing with Naruto. Fuck. Fuck!

He must’ve been starring at the phone for too long because Naruto caught him.

“Do you need to go?” Naruto asked, his voice soft and unstable.

Sasuke just looked at Naruto, his eyes scanning the blue’s for the answer. Before he even had time to think, his phone buzzed again, forcing him to break contact and look at the incoming message.

_Don’t you dare say you’re busy either. I’ll leave my door unlocked._

Sasuke practically collapsed in the booth. His head leaned back, while his eyes were closed, as he huffed out in frustration.

“Sasuke?” Naruto seemed concerned now. “Is everything—“

“Fine. It’s fine.” Sasuke’s voice was harsh. He couldn’t help it though. Everything felt like it was out of his control. He hated it. 

“Are you sure?” Naruto asked, hesitantly.

“Yes.” Sasuke sighed, looking across the table at the blonde. “I’m sorry.”

As they held eye contact, there was some unspoken understanding and Naruto only nodded. Sasuke felt like his body was made of lead, as he tried to slide his legs out from underneath the table.

Naruto reached across the table and grabbed onto Sasuke’s arm though, holding him in place. At the moment, the cold faded away and Naruto’s warmth filled him up. It felt like the sun was hitting him for the first time after months of darkness. He never wanted Naruto to let go.

“I _am_ in love with you still. But I don’t want to make things any more difficult than they already are. I don’t want to burden you like that. I want to be friends if that’s all you can give me. If you can’t give me that, then I’ll be your acquaintance… If that’s too much to ask, then I’ll be that one friend from high school who you fell out of touch with, but still follow on social media. Anything you can give me… I’ll make it enough…”

“Naruto…” Sasuke mumbled, leaning into Naruto’s touch and feeling his hand grip tighter around his wrist.

“I’m not trying to confuse you… I genuinely just wanted to reconnect… That’s why I asked you for coffee. Honest.”

Sasuke felt his phone buzz again, but didn’t look down at it.

“I know you have to go, but I’d like to see you before I leave again.” Naruto finished off, releasing his grip from Sasuke’s wrist. Sasuke felt his breath leave him at the loss of touch and Naruto’s words.

“Leave again?” He asked, as he tried to control the stinging in his nose, which was about to trigger his tear ducts. He felt his heartbeat quicken in pace, fear and anxiety setting in.

Naruto nodded, leaning back in the booth. “Yeah, I was only planning on being here for three or so months, before I headed back to London. I just needed to renew my work visa.”

Sasuke felt the corners of his mouth tremble. The pain returned, sharp and indignant. And as his phone buzzed again, all he wanted to do was throw it against the ground, shattering it into a million pieces.

“I didn’t know that.” Sasuke said, in a low tone.

“I guess it’s my turn to apologize again.” Naruto mumbled, letting another nervous chuckle out. 

Sasuke completely slid out from the booth, making sure he was strong enough to stand on both of his legs before putting his weight on them. He felt Naruto’s eyes watch as he stood up. He didn’t want to imagine the feeling of them not watching him any longer.

“I still have that sweater you gave me.” Sasuke muttered, barely audible, and without looking to Naruto.

He waited a second before continuing on. “I debated getting rid of it… Multiple times, but for some reason I couldn’t.” He gulped, tightening his hands into fists. “I don’t understand how a stupid sweater you gave me back in high school carried so much meaning for me… But it’s—now I know—it’s because I knew how much I loved you that night. That night when I was going to confess and then you kissed me and said it was the wrong time… I loved you so much so I kept that sweater. Like I was holding on to hope or something…”

Sasuke’s phone buzzed again.

“And it fucking sucks. Every time I see you, I’m hoping for something… And this time… You tell me you’ve been in love with me for years…” Sauske whipped around. “Why now? Why when I’m…” Sasuke sighed. “You’re saying you’ll accept anything I give you… What does that even mean?”

“It means just that.”

“But you’re going back to London.”

“So?”

Sasuke’s phone buzzed two more times and Naruto looked down at the phone lighting up in his pocket. Sasuke felt the interruption on such a personal level. He wanted to murder Diedara. He couldn’t believe he had to leave Naruto for some other man.

“Will you see me again? When there’re less… distractions?” Naruto asked, maintaining eye contact with the Uchiha.

Sasuke felt his heart flutter and sink at the same time. Naruto wanted to see him again… Sasuke didn’t want to deny him of that.

And so, Sasuke nodded.

He saw a small, subtle smile hint at Naruto’s lips and a wave of relief rushed over him. Even though their meeting was cut short, there was hope. He’d see Naruto again… Sooner than he’d expected. 

“Just text me.” Naruto said.

“Okay.” Sasuke responded, taking in a deep, shaky breath as he turned around to leave the cafe.

He felt Naruto’s eyes on him all the way until he reached his car, which was parked on the street. As he sat inside the car, staring down at the messages Deidara was pestering him with, he couldn’t think of anything else, but Naruto. He sighed, letting that feeling of hope fill him up and give him just enough energy to drive away.


End file.
